


Guilt

by EmberForge



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode 68, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 07:11:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15601041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmberForge/pseuds/EmberForge
Summary: A young man in a night shirt stands on a parapet.





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Catching up on campaign one, and not only do I want more scenes with Kynan, but I also feel like there was a lot more that could have been explored with him post Glintshore. So I wrote something that came to mind after a worrying insight check that I felt like could have led to more dire consequences. Enjoy!

Kynan had always loved the night. When everything became slow and quiet, and shadows were in abundance. But his favorite part about the night was the stars. Tal Dorei had the most beautiful stars when the evening skies were clear, and tonight happened to be one of those lucky nights. Luckier still, he had learned, in Whitestone, which was apparently known for its gloomy weather. The wind tousled his hair with a gentle breeze as he stood staring out into the night sky, and it somewhat surprised him with its tameness, considering how high up he was. He would have expected something a little more intense.

He surveyed the landscape below him. He was lucky, he thought, that they had decided to house him in the upper west corner of the castle. The towers were high, and guards weren't as pressed to keep watch, with the mountain at their back. While Kynan was sure there had been a guard stationed at his door, it had been easy enough to slip out the window and scale the walls until he could climb back into an empty corridor and wind through the halls until he was able to escape to the highest point he could find. He may not have learned much about being a rogue, but he certainly knew how to disappear.

It seemed to be the only thing he was good at.

Kynan flexed his toes on the rough stone beneath them and shivered a bit. It wasn't a bad night, considering. While there was a bit of the classic Whitestone chill in the air, it wasn't anything that he couldn't handle. Certainly better than the sweltering heat of Ank'Harel, at any rate.

"Nice evening, isn't it?"

Kynan started at the voice, tearing his gaze from the landscape in front of him and spinning around quickly to face the intruder. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you," the man said. The white hair on the figure was unmistakable in the moonlight. 

"What are you doing here?" Kynan asked hesitantly.

Percival's gaze was fixed sharply on him, though his voice remained light. "When I can't sleep, which is more often than I'd like, I take walks. I thought I might enjoy the view. What are you doing here?"

Kynan didn't respond.

"You know, the view's no different from here. Why don't you come down from there?" Percival continued, glancing briefly at the ledge on which Kynan stood.

He took a step forward, and Kynan instinctually took a step back. He felt his heel go over the edge of the parapet, the corner of the masonry digging into the arch of his foot. He took a quick glance down, and his voice cracked when he spoke. "D-don't."

There was a spark of something unreadable in the eyes of the man in front of him as he immediately halted his progression forward and raised his hands in the air in surrender. "It's alright. I won't- not if you don't want me to. How are you feeling, Kynan?"

Kynan hadn't realised that Percival knew his name. He considered not answering, but found that the emotions bubbling just below the surface of his skin had decided otherwise. "Empty."

Percival made a humming sound at the back of his throat. "I know what that's like. It's not very pleasant."

Kynan looked at Percival, with his perfect hair and fancy coat, standing there with an air that practically shouted superiority, and he felt his jaw tighten as something inside him twinged in frustration. 

"I'm a fuckup. I can't do anything right. I'm too stupid to realize a weak little butcher's boy isn't good enough for Vox Machina, and then when I run off trying to prove that I am, I fall for every one of Ripley's bullshit _lies_ because I think that she might actually care about me- about my future! That she wanted me to succeed! But she didn't. All she cared about was achieving her own ends. We hurt so many people before you even found us, and then I hurt your druid friend, and you were _killed_. And I thought we were doing the right thing. Isn't that funny?" He took a breath. "I'm worthless. All I do is hurt anyone who comes near me. And you wanna try to tell me that you know how I _feel_?"

Percival remained silent throughout his whole tirade. It was slightly infuriating. Part of him wanted the man to yell, to strike out, anything, but the only change Kynan could make out was a sharpening in his gaze. "She never told you about our history together, did she?" Percival asked. He took Kynan's silence as a cue to continue.

"She helped orchestrate the murder of my entire family. My mother, my father, my brothers and sisters- all killed while they slept in their beds. I was taken prisoner only because she wanted me for my knowledge- the projects that I was working on, the copious notes I had tucked away that were gibberish to anyone but me. She tortured me, for... I still don't know how long, exactly. It turned out my sister Cassandra had survived, somehow, and broke me out, but when we were running her luck ran out and she was taken down by arrows. I thought I was alone."

Percival's eyes were fixed not on Kynan at that point, but somewhere beyond. He remained lost in his memories for a few moments more before he refocused his attention to the boy in front of him.

"I went to a very dark place, after that. My mind tilted between an all consuming need for vengeance and an overwhelming sense of guilt and despair. The only reason I'm still standing here is due to one lucky malfunction after I decided one night that the best place for my gun was between my teeth. So yes, I know _exactly_ where you are right now."

"I'm so tired of this." Kynan's voice was practically a whisper.

"It does get better. Not right away, and not all at once, but it does."

"For you, maybe. Not for people like me." Kynan swallowed heavily at the lump forming in his throat.

When he replayed the scene over in his head later on, he'd realise that it was a bat that had decided to startle him. In the moment, though, he only saw something dart alarmingly close to his face, cause of him to to stumble back in alarm. Too late, he felt himself lose his footing and start toppling towards the ground below. Kynan shut his eyes as everything slowed to a single breath, and for a moment fear was replaced with a sense of peace as he reveled in the feeling of weightlessness. He was torn abruptly from the sensation a moment later when he felt a hand snag his nightshirt and pull him upward, dragging him back to solid stone.

As his feet hit the ground he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, and immediately started struggling as he was pulled against a sturdy chest. He tried to swing at the attacker, but his hands were quickly trapped between himself and the man, the arms around him tightening. "Let me go!" Kynan screamed, struggling to free himself, as all the pain and fear came rushing back. "Let me go!"

The man just continued to hold him tight enough to hurt, his strength seemingly unending as Kynan slowly wore himself out. He felt tears form in the corners of his eyes, and as his screaming and struggling slowed down, he realised that the figure had been speaking to him. "Shhhhhhh." It said. "It's alright. You're alright." He was surrounded by the scent of old, musty leather, and as his struggling ceased and he paid more attention to the form wrapped around him, he realised that there were feathers tickling his cheek.

"V...Vax'ildan?" He asked, his voice trembling as recognition set in.

"Shhh. You're alright, kiddo." One arm continued to keep Kynan firmly restrained while the other ran soothingly through his blonde hair.

"Please. Please let me go."

"I made that mistake once. I'm not going to do it again. I'm sorry, Kynan."

Kynan could feel himself trembling as Vax's hold loosened into a warm embrace. Kynan didn't try to move away.

"I was an asshole. I shouldn't have dismissed you like I did when you came to Grayskull Keep. But the truth is, I'm a coward. Our lives suck, and I thought that if we became involved in your life, you'd die. It didn't occur to me that things could be just as bad if I turned you away."

"I'm a terrible person," Kynan whispered, voice hoarse. "I can't do anything right."

Vax pulled back enough to grip Kynan's chin in his hand, and Kynan's gaze was forced into meeting Vax's own. "When you chose to fight against Ripley instead of with her? That was right. Wanting to become better than you are? There's nothing inherently wrong with that, either. You've just made some mistakes, that's all."

"How... how can I believe you?"

Gods know I've made many mistakes. More than you, I can guarantee." Vax'ildan's lips twitched upward in a wan smile. "But somehow, I've been forgiven. And you can be too."

Kynan's eyes dipped back towards the ground. "Do you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive, really, is there?" Vax asked. "It's really my fault that you got into this mess in the first place. I think the better question is, do you forgive me? I was trying to keep you from getting hurt, and only ended up hurting you more. I'm so sorry."

Kynan was silent for a long while. "I... I don't know," he said, finally. "I don't know."

"That's fair," Vax'ildan said. He gently pulled Kynan up by the shoulders so that both of them were standing, and it was only then that Kynan noticed the large black wings that had been wrapped around them in a protective cocoon, which were quickly pulled back and disappeared from the rogue's back. Kynan looked around, but Percival was nowhere in sight. He must have disappeared in order to give the two of them some privacy. Vax squeezed his shoulders before letting go. "I'm going to work hard to earn your forgiveness, okay, kiddo? I promise. But you're gonna need to stick around so that I can fulfill that promise, alright?"

Kynan's eyes briefly glanced at the parapet before turning back to meet Vax's own. "Yeah, okay."

Vax'ildan threw an arm around the younger boy's shoulders. "Good. Now, let's get some sleep, alright? A longer talk is in order, but I think some rest first will do us some good."

And with that, the two rogues walked away, leaving the rooftop and the night sky behind.


End file.
